Life

I feel like I want to cry. My heart has been hurting a lot lately. Not because I've been slighted by my love (I have been watching P&P often) but just because life on earth is sad. [i need to get food to fuel a good post...well good in my opinion anyway...one second...ok that took about a day...]

So, I have just been noticing some of life's sadder elements. Things most people are aware of and have generally come to terms with. The world is a sad place and everytime I watch the news, it depresses me. The world is full of sin and sinful people who don't even know that they are. This should be a call to action but sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and I want to give up and go to Heaven. Like when I hear that one of my 4th graders is already having sex, or I hear about child abuse or rape or when I see Tyra Banks doing a show on sex and teenagers and the whole show just makes my heart hurt. Watching news of war is hard too. I realized that people who lived during any serious war of the past must have felt the same way but seeing negative war related news everyday makes me feel like it is a lost cause. It's great to think about fighting for freedom but then when you see the people in the country killing each other everyday and you hear about how people in that country don't even seem to want any kind of democratic government it feels hopeless. I'm sure if I lived during WWI or WWII I would have felt hopeless as well. When I learn about wars in school they seem so short, even when it is said they last for decades (or whatever...i stink with dates).

Seeing people reject God and basically spit in His face makes me want to leave the world as well. Sometimes I feel like I am too sensitive or weak at heart to really fight to the end for something. I don't want that to be true at all. But when will anything change? Hearing about all the failing schools and the children living in poverty, the lack of the government passing crucial bills related to children and education, it's all very depressing. There isn't enough money to fix the education system in our country. We have mandates that are not funded but we still have to meet them, kids graduate without being able to read, kids drop out and never graduate high school, there is so much teen pregnancy, so much abortion, so many students who teachers don't have time or resources to reach. I hate even writing down these things, why does this happen? Why are people starving all across the country and the world when other people are spending billions of dollars on a pair of shoes they will wear once or a gazillion dollars on their 15th car.

I was rereading part of The Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis and talking to my dad and it made me think about the concept of living an abundant life and having joy. We are not called to be depressed and solemn everyday b/c the earth is a sinful sad place. We are called to enjoy the life that Christ died for us to be able to live. What does that look like? I am usually a very silly, jovial, optimistic, happy person but lately I have been feeling heavier. I am very much able to find joy in many things in life, from a warm breeze and laughing with my friends over purely silly things to the smile of a child...or just the existance of small children period. Other happy things include beautiful flowers and taking silly pictures of my roommate. Lately though, it seems like the corruption of the world, and myself, have been attacking me. A friend also told me I was abnormal compared to most people, even christians, in a very personal way and it made me want to go to heaven (for the 10th time that day).

It is also upsetting to look at my sin and how hopeless I am. This should drive me into the arms of Christ, my only hope. A lot of people have been talking about everything being for the glory of God, which I agree with, but in a way that was saddening. It has been feeling like God doesn't care about me at all and really it is only all about Him (which is fair, since He is perfect). Like the only reason God chose to save us from Hell was just to bring Himself glory and not at all because He loved me in any way. I feel like it has made me view God differently and I am feeling worse and worse. Almost like I don't matter at all and my only worth is in the fact that I can be a tool to bring God glory, which I very much want to do...but I want to be loved. I want to make God happy and I want Him to want me to be happy in Him and what He has done for me. I mean, can't it be true that He made the earth beautiful to bring Himself glory and for us to enjoy? Doesn't He love me because He made me? Does He delight in me? That is something that has been on my mind. I think that C.S. Lewis would say yes he does, from what I remember of his writings. The bible I think would say yes (Deut. 30:9, 2 Sam. 22:20, 1 Kings 10:9, 2 Chron. 9:8, Ps. 37:23, Ps. 147:11, Ps. 149:4, Prov. 3:12, Prov. 11:20, and many more).

Also, my heart has been hurting because of sadness related to life. People change and move and then we lose touch with each other. I hate that! I don't have the time or money to travel the US visiting people I love though. No one really does so you are forced to choose the most important, but that really usually only becomes the most convienient and closest in proximity to you. I want to be in heaven where I get to see everyone I love all the time. That brings me to the real issue. Some people I love will not be in Heaven, which is really the whole reason I am still on earth, so that God can use me to show them the truth about Him. (When I say 'use me to show them', I mean He will show them using the words He leads me to say/things He leads me to do). This should be my burning passion everyday, but it's not, because I am selfish and naive. Oh Lord help me.

Well, that was a nice brain cleaning out session. I hope it wasn't negative for anyone who read it. It may disappear when I wake up in the morning and reread it...

Addition:
I know God cares deeply about me, I see that everyday, which is why these thoughts were so disturbing. God has taken care of me and blessed me so much, I can't even describe. I have to rely on Him everyday and He has never let me down (although I might feel like He has at times, I later see clearly that He didn't let me down at all).