You Might Not Be Ready For This Look Into My Mind/Emotions

I think for the first time in my life I really understand how Jonah felt. I have never wanted more to just run away because I so adamently do not want to do what I need to.

I have always been very passionate about children and teaching. For the past 8 to 10 years I have been increasingly passionate about missions and specifically wanted to/felt called to overseas missions. I was so excited about teaching overseas and really really wanted to do it. I persued it and got offered a job at the place I really wanted to teach at in Hungary. Then over time I started to feel less and less excited about it to the point of not even wanting to go at all. I know God will faithful and provide because He has never let me down before but there are so many things to be scared of. The biggest thing that I am not wanting to do is the support raising. I have no problem with the idea of people financially supporting me, and I feel that it is very Biblical (is that capitalized?) and people should want to support me.

The thing I so dread (to the point of intense negative emotions) is meeting with people one on one to talk to them about what I'm doing and ask if they would like to support me. Sending out letters is so much better because people get all the information, I don't feel like I am pressuring them and I don't have to talk to people I don't really know. I have an irrational fear of talking to people I don't know well. It is really quite out of control and the very thought makes me want to vomit and cry a lot. It has even led me to thoughts of wanting to just not go, wanting to ignore what God wants me to do, and wanting to just run away. My family (with the exception of my mom, who is compassionate 99% of the time) does not seem to understand at all and just think I am being difficult and stubborn. Once I told them and they said things like "well you need to get over your inability to talk to people" and "it's good that you'll have to do this because you need to stop being ridiculous" (those are not verbatim quotes but are fairly accurate), followed by me fighting back tears and eventually going to my room to sob uncontrollably.

Eventually my mom came to talk to me, which only helped a little bit. My family had decided to go to lunch and my mom said she really wanted me to go (when I told her I might not come b/c I didn't want to see people and my face was going to be all puffy) so I went. On the way to lunch, as I was trying not to cry but not really winning that battle, my brother appologized and said he didn't know I was actually scared and nervous about talking to people and if he had known that he wouldn't have treated the situation the way he did. We all talked and they reassured me, and eventually, after discussing and getting support from them, and food. I feel much better. It really is a battle with my emotions and fears. I know in my head that the world won't end if I try to talk to people I don't feel completely comfortable talking to, God will provide my support if He wants me to go to Hungary, and God has always been faithful and has never let me down before. The more that you feel is at risk, the more significant the decision to trust Him even when it's hard and you can think of a million reasons to worry. Going to another country alone for a year to teach at a school with no other 2nd grade teachers to ask for ideas and having never been a teacher in my own class is quite scary. Maybe you don't feel that way or can;t imagine why that would be scary but if you feel that way a)you are in denial b) you aren't actually thinking about what that would be like c) you've never considered doing something like that d)you are apathetic when it comes to yourself or e) you have always been blessed with the ability to never worry and always trust God extremely easily. I don't want to say that that's not possible but I would love to know you and find out your secret to avoid being human.

I feel like this section of 1 Peter must be significant to my life because it has come up several times recently.

1 Peter 1

1Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ,
To God's elect, strangers in the world, scattered throughout Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia and Bithynia, 2who have been chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, through the sanctifying work of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ and sprinkling by his blood:
Grace and peace be yours in abundance.

Praise to God for a Living Hope

3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you, 5who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. 6In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. 7These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 8Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, 9for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.


Trials come in all kinds but my choice to follow God and take Him at His word, believeing His promises is definitely going to test and strengthen my faith. At least that would be the desired outcome! I definitely have more of a peace about things and am feeling much better. Let's pray that it stays that way and I am not tempted to run off and join the circus.

Posting intensely honest posts about myself and what i am thinking can be scary, just like trusting God, but none of my friends have de-friended me yet, just like God has stayed by my side, always patient with my fears, doubts, and momentary disobedience (before I ask forgiveness and get back to obedience). Though hard at times, knowing the Lord and being His child is more wonderful than I can even describe. It is my priviledge to trust and serve Him and I know that He is going to use me in big ways for His glory and for my benefit. There is a saying in Safely Home (which I highly recommend!). One of the main characters, a persecuted (to the extreme) Christian in China says "real gold fears no fire" and that is one of the goals for my life, to get to the point where I can say that and mean it in respect to myself. I don't think I am that brave yet, sometimes I fear fire a little bit but I haven't melted away yet and hopefully, in God's eyes, I am becoming more and more pure and holy. I feel like I still have a long way to go, but luckily, I'm still alive so that's ok:)

Praise be to God.

So many Meds!

I know I've been posting on here a lot, sorry if you're becoming overwhelmed. I am currently up on nurse duty. Robbie had his surgery today (finally) to get stitches in his leg. he got around 20 stitches and he is now bed-ridden (mostly) for the next 5 days, which is really no different than the previous week and a half except now he gets more medicines and has an electronic ice pack of sorts that needs to be refilled with ice (in the cooler) every 4 hours. I am responsible for food and meds until after his 1:30am antibiotic and PB toast. Then I sleep til 10am.

We brought him in at 2pm but they didn't take him back until 3:50 and he didn't get done/wake up until 5:30 and we didn't leave the surgery center until 6. He got food and antibiotic, pain killer, and anti-inflammatory until 7:30. Then at 11:30 he got more food and pain med, and we changed the ice in his crazy ice contraption. Like I said, 1:30 is food and antibiotic. Then at 3:30 mom gets up to give him more food and pain meds and then 7:30 is pain med, antibiotic, Vit.C, multi-vitamin, anti-inflammatory, and an advil...and food. This boy is gonna eat so much food in the next few days it's crazy. I love him so much though (not that that (like that david) really connects to him getting all that medicine). God was gracious and the surgery went really well and hopefully his leg will heal up well. Phone calls, presents, and visits (after a couple days) are more than welcome

I watched the SF of AI tonight and was slightly disappointed. Then I watched the SF of LOST and was greeted with the normal LOST feelings of satisfaction and dissatisfaction. Overall it was really good, but of course...it made no sense. HA! Ok, I think that is all.

Still workin on unpacking, preparing for Hungary, and getting excited for the beach. Oh and David will be an uncle soon...that's exciting!

Having emotional dreams can affect your emotions in real life...funny how that happens...

Just for fun, this was me last Halloween.

Go to this site everyday, it's important. http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/CTDSites
All you have to do is click the pink box everyday and they fund free mammograms, a key part in prevention and detection.

God is so good.

God is so amazing. He always gives me what I need exactly when I need it. I know this should be obvious, because that is his character but so many times I feel tempted to let myself dispair (at least momentarily) or worry about things. He is so gracious in showing me exactly what I need to see and helping me trust Him when it isn't coming as naturally. I love Him so much.

"Maybe if it's just You and me
we'll never even skip a beat"

Who needs dreams with a life like this...

Wonderful and fairly eventful trip to the beach to visit David for his birthday. I was actually more surprised than he was! He and J and I all had a lot of fun (well actually I can't say with 100% surity that that is really true of anyone but me) and spent time at the laundramat and the tent inside CVS, just to name a couple places. The guy in the CVS was so happy for us to amuse him with our crazy tent picnic antics. He does not love his job. We had bought Hershey's Cookies and Cream milkshakes (which were good but made my stomach hurt b/c I think I am becoming lactose intolerant) and drank them inside a tent set up at the front of the CVS. We took photos and acted silly. It was quite amusing.

I finally saw IQ and Mystery Men, which I liked a lot but in different ways. Apparently I am somewhat like Meg Ryan's character. I ate pizza, nutty bars, crab legs (MMMM!), McDonald's, Peanut Butter Bars, and drank much tea:) David and I also climbed the Currituck lighthouse and persued some old rich socialite's private island which is now a state owned historical site (with some great trees!). Crazy rich people....actually made the island themselves and they owned land from sound to ocean for 4.5 miles. Crazy!

I love the beach! Walking on the beach, looking at it from the top of the lighthouse, and watching the sun set over the sound were all wonderful in different ways. God made the world so breath-taking and I praise Him every time I get to enjoy it. Something about water makes a sunset even more beautiful. I feel like God is painting a picture just for me to say "Lisa, I love you." I don't always get the message but that is what I think:)

Also:

• I helped David forge the internet frontier (not that he needed help but everyone needs an opinionated, intense side kick sometimes right)
• I listened to the most fun and cheery song ever played on a commercial
• J is quite the ganster, watch out!
• it's not fun to get woken up after 3 hrs of sleep but:
• it's a small price to pay for a free hotel room (hopefully I wasn't an inconvienience)
  
• it's somewhat my own fault
• I generally hate leaving and saying goodbye to people, sometimes it makes me feel sick:(
• How do you feel about Florida friends?
• I got flowers:)
• laundry can be fun
• there is never enough time for some things
  
• my brother is doing better, although still no stitches
• my life is crazy
• king crab legs are the best
  
• bulleting your thoughts can be both rewarding and fun

It took me 4.75 hours to get home because I actually didn't have directions and I was trying, unsucessfully, to just back track the way I came. It worked out well after I got to 158 going the right direction sucessfully.

I wish I lived on top of a lighthouse. For real.

Instead of better, things got more complicated. My heart hurts. Is it time for Heaven yet?

Dan the Man

Dan Hawkins is a good friend, and I am glad to have him as such. I just wanted everyone to know that. And yes, it would be sad as well as awkward were he to die while on the phone with me.

Life

I feel like I want to cry. My heart has been hurting a lot lately. Not because I've been slighted by my love (I have been watching P&P often) but just because life on earth is sad. [i need to get food to fuel a good post...well good in my opinion anyway...one second...ok that took about a day...]

So, I have just been noticing some of life's sadder elements. Things most people are aware of and have generally come to terms with. The world is a sad place and everytime I watch the news, it depresses me. The world is full of sin and sinful people who don't even know that they are. This should be a call to action but sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and I want to give up and go to Heaven. Like when I hear that one of my 4th graders is already having sex, or I hear about child abuse or rape or when I see Tyra Banks doing a show on sex and teenagers and the whole show just makes my heart hurt. Watching news of war is hard too. I realized that people who lived during any serious war of the past must have felt the same way but seeing negative war related news everyday makes me feel like it is a lost cause. It's great to think about fighting for freedom but then when you see the people in the country killing each other everyday and you hear about how people in that country don't even seem to want any kind of democratic government it feels hopeless. I'm sure if I lived during WWI or WWII I would have felt hopeless as well. When I learn about wars in school they seem so short, even when it is said they last for decades (or whatever...i stink with dates).

Seeing people reject God and basically spit in His face makes me want to leave the world as well. Sometimes I feel like I am too sensitive or weak at heart to really fight to the end for something. I don't want that to be true at all. But when will anything change? Hearing about all the failing schools and the children living in poverty, the lack of the government passing crucial bills related to children and education, it's all very depressing. There isn't enough money to fix the education system in our country. We have mandates that are not funded but we still have to meet them, kids graduate without being able to read, kids drop out and never graduate high school, there is so much teen pregnancy, so much abortion, so many students who teachers don't have time or resources to reach. I hate even writing down these things, why does this happen? Why are people starving all across the country and the world when other people are spending billions of dollars on a pair of shoes they will wear once or a gazillion dollars on their 15th car.

I was rereading part of The Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis and talking to my dad and it made me think about the concept of living an abundant life and having joy. We are not called to be depressed and solemn everyday b/c the earth is a sinful sad place. We are called to enjoy the life that Christ died for us to be able to live. What does that look like? I am usually a very silly, jovial, optimistic, happy person but lately I have been feeling heavier. I am very much able to find joy in many things in life, from a warm breeze and laughing with my friends over purely silly things to the smile of a child...or just the existance of small children period. Other happy things include beautiful flowers and taking silly pictures of my roommate. Lately though, it seems like the corruption of the world, and myself, have been attacking me. A friend also told me I was abnormal compared to most people, even christians, in a very personal way and it made me want to go to heaven (for the 10th time that day).

It is also upsetting to look at my sin and how hopeless I am. This should drive me into the arms of Christ, my only hope. A lot of people have been talking about everything being for the glory of God, which I agree with, but in a way that was saddening. It has been feeling like God doesn't care about me at all and really it is only all about Him (which is fair, since He is perfect). Like the only reason God chose to save us from Hell was just to bring Himself glory and not at all because He loved me in any way. I feel like it has made me view God differently and I am feeling worse and worse. Almost like I don't matter at all and my only worth is in the fact that I can be a tool to bring God glory, which I very much want to do...but I want to be loved. I want to make God happy and I want Him to want me to be happy in Him and what He has done for me. I mean, can't it be true that He made the earth beautiful to bring Himself glory and for us to enjoy? Doesn't He love me because He made me? Does He delight in me? That is something that has been on my mind. I think that C.S. Lewis would say yes he does, from what I remember of his writings. The bible I think would say yes (Deut. 30:9, 2 Sam. 22:20, 1 Kings 10:9, 2 Chron. 9:8, Ps. 37:23, Ps. 147:11, Ps. 149:4, Prov. 3:12, Prov. 11:20, and many more).

Also, my heart has been hurting because of sadness related to life. People change and move and then we lose touch with each other. I hate that! I don't have the time or money to travel the US visiting people I love though. No one really does so you are forced to choose the most important, but that really usually only becomes the most convienient and closest in proximity to you. I want to be in heaven where I get to see everyone I love all the time. That brings me to the real issue. Some people I love will not be in Heaven, which is really the whole reason I am still on earth, so that God can use me to show them the truth about Him. (When I say 'use me to show them', I mean He will show them using the words He leads me to say/things He leads me to do). This should be my burning passion everyday, but it's not, because I am selfish and naive. Oh Lord help me.

Well, that was a nice brain cleaning out session. I hope it wasn't negative for anyone who read it. It may disappear when I wake up in the morning and reread it...

Addition:
I know God cares deeply about me, I see that everyday, which is why these thoughts were so disturbing. God has taken care of me and blessed me so much, I can't even describe. I have to rely on Him everyday and He has never let me down (although I might feel like He has at times, I later see clearly that He didn't let me down at all).

Why do I feel sad when I talk to you?

Something is bothering me and I can't put my finger on it.

I finished Grad school and now have my masters. I am back home and now have a masive amount of stuff to unpack and sort. I will be home for a week and then I leave for the outer banks to visit David for his birthday. It was supposed to be a super exciting surprise but I had to tell him in order for him to get off work and now it seems less exciting. Then the end of May I am going to Myrtle Beach with Meghan to celebrate my finishing Grad school. I am beyond excited.

I also have a lot of support to raise this summer, so that needs to be started soon.

I like people much better than computers. Computers are one thing I can't stand malfunctioning. People I expect to malfunction and let me down. Computers are supposed to do what you tell them no matter what. When people get viruses they can usually be fixed with some chicken soup, rest, and some antibiotics. Computer viruses are like the world ending. And no matter how much soup I pour on them, it doesn't help.

So puzzling.

I think I need more human interaction.

And more time with God.

Illegal Drugs, Crazy People, and Voice in Students' Writing

I need to rant about my dislike of Sudafed and the world. But not tonight. Tonight I need to make my stinkin Thesis powerpoint and decide what in the world I am going to say for my practice presentation tomorrow. I am really no good at school. It is only my God's grace that I have made it this far. And I mean that wholeheartedly.